Define, Core, Gifts. The Year that Was...........Shitty.

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice) {Future tool: The 99%’s How to Budget for an Irregular Income. For the next 3 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan [...]

Craig deployment was a new and exciting experience for me. There was a lot about it that I'm glad I got to learn. In fact, just having a boyfriend in the army changed that way I will look at the war and our goverment and military service forever.  Maybe not my defining moments but it was life changing and dealing with his deployment was a big part of my year.

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)   {Future tools: Lifehacker’s Free Tools to Manage New Years Resolutions and Gretchen Rubin’s Questions to Help You Make Effective New Year’s Resolutions. Has #reverb10 made an [...]

A pencil, a bar of soap and a grocery bag.  All in one gift bag, all for christmas, from the same person.

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill) {Future tool: Susannah Conway’s Allowing Dreams} Today is the final [...]

This not going to happen.  Seriously?  My core?  Sharing it with the whole world?  Are you kidding?  Who is able to do that?  I don't even know what that is, yet.  How would I be able to express it?

New Name, Everything's OK, Photo, Soul Food, Ordinary Joy, Achieve

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott) {Future tool: Chris Guillebeau’s How to Conduct Your Own Annual Review. For the next 9 days as you round out [...]

When I was in High School I had all my friends convinced that my middle name was Hannah.  So my name was Juliana Hannah Johnson.  As stupid as that sounds they believed me.  Cause who would make up such a stupid lie?  I would, that's who.  I think if I could have a new name I would want it to be a middle name.  I've never had one and I want it!!!!  In kindergarten when my teacher, Ms. Painter ask what my middle name was I told her it was Ana.  It seemed to make sense.  Although I don't like being called that.  For that matter I don't like being called Julia or Julianne either.  Julie or Juliana (pronounced ana like Montana, not awe-na).  At work I could go by whatever name I felt like.  I work in a restaurant and I don't wear a name tag.  Sometimes I say my name is Gladys.  I think tomorrow I'll try Mitzy.  It's a good one.  Mitzy it is.

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis) {Future tool: Gwen Bell – How to Create Your Personal Manifesto. For the next 8 days as you [...]

Nothing.  Not one damn thing.  No guarantees here.  Hell, if'n I wanted 'em I sure picked the wrong life.  There is nothing about what I do and how I live that says to me; "Everything is going to be alright."  I know it's going to keep going.  I think about it and from the looks of it I'm going to have to keep living for like fifty more year.  Sometimes that really bums me out but there isn't really any way around it.  So maybe things aren't going to be alright.  Maybe they go horribly wrong in ways I can't even imagine but that's okay cause that is what life is.  I hope in 2011 I'll be able to make life less about how things are "going to" be and more about soaking it where they "are".  Even when how they are sucks super bad.

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and [...]

This makes me so sad.  I lost all my photos.  They were all saved in my stolen laptop.  So so sad.

December 26 – Soul Food What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? (Author: Elise Marie Collins) {Future tool: Sark’s MicroMOVEment Support Sheets. For the next 6 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you [...]

This year I made a real effort to cook more at home.  It was great!!!  I made wonderful food for my friends but my favorite was no-bake cookies.  They are super easy and just the most wonderful decadent thing in the world.

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown) {Future tool: Tara Mohr’s The Next Steps After Vision… For the next 5 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help [...]

As cynical as I can be I do tend to explode from time to time with quantities of unwarranted enthusiasm for all sorts of junk.  Here are some things from 2010, in no particular order;

Fried-egg grilled cheese sandwich.
Organic Wine "Well Read" is my favorite.
Ladies Wine Night
The Griddle
Blogging
Sketch Comedy Writing
Coffee
Stand-up
Stand-up in Coffee Shops
etsy
regresty
Clean Sheets
Getting sheets dirty (this was a good year for sex)
Curtains
Throw pillows

Well, that's the short list.  I'll be the first to say that I'm surprised more weren't food based.

December 28 – Achieve What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara [...]

I really like this prompt.  Sometimes it's great to remind yourself that whatever it is you want and whatever that thing will make you feel you have the power to experience that emotion right now.  Not discounting the experience of achievement but you can feel good even before you get it.

I really want to take my comedy to to the next level in 2011.  I want to be able to travel and book shows and even get paid.  I would like to audition more and work more as an actor.  I guess if I want to boil it down to one achievement or goal.  I would like to get paid for my creative work.  It  would make me feel HOPEFUL.  Working in this business in this town can at times feel pointless and stagnant.  Having that tangible representation that my work is appreciated would make me feel like I'm moving forward toward my goals.  But what's great is that I can have hope today.  In fact I'm feeling right now.  I hope that as my life keeps going that the things I want for myself will somehow be able to find me.

Future Me and Travel

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

Dear 2010 Julie,
Are you still calling yourself Julie?  I can't remember.  Anyway, hopefully this letter finds you right before Christmas in 2010.  It might not make it at the right time.  We know us and with how busy this holiday has been it might have done the time travel mail wrong.  It's complicated.  Oh, that's something to look forward to--time travel mail.  We can't actually time travel but somehow email can.  Don't ask me to explain it because I don't understand it.  And before you get too excited I can't really give you any details about your future.  A. Because it would spoil the surprise and B. Because the fabric or time and space would erode in such a way that the details would change and I wouldn't even be sending you this email.  Watch Back to the Future.  It explains it pretty well.

 I hope you are doing better after the burglary.  I know it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back but really you turn out just fine.  know that this years has been pretty bad.  Deaths and breakups and deployments and burglary and pain etc etc etc but I'm writing this to let you know that just when you think that you have reached to end of your rope you'll find more rope.  If I timed this right this letter will be the pep-talk you need.  Just keep going.  We're just getting to the good part.

You are so loved and don't even know it.  Take care of yourself,
2015 Juliana

Dear 2000 Ju,
So this is really just in preparation for when these time travel emails actually work.  Right now, there is no such thing but I recently found out that there will be.  So here goes babe.

You are 19 and about to break up with Jeff Clift.  This is going to freak you out.  Trust me it is soooo for the best.  Your life is about to change.  If you meet a guy named Zack beware.  You are gorgeous and perfect the way you are.  Don't start smoking.  Stop throwing up your food.  Your dental bills in the future will thank you.  You are about to make some of the best friends you will ever have.  People you will care about for decades.  Treat them well.  Quentin is gay but it's best if you let him figure that out in his own time.  Don't move to that apartment with the pool.  Nothing good will come of it.  I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed so if all that is too specific and gets edited out by the time travel email police then I guess I'll just leave you with this.  The older you get the cooler you get.  Just let it happen.  Things are not as important as they seem.  Have fun.  Lots of fun.  People who don't treat you well are not worth being around no matter what they say.  You are the coolest person I know and knowing that is part of being cool.

You are loved.  Embrace it.
2010 Ju 

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt) {Future Tool: New Year’s Goal Questions for No-Goals Creatives from Jeffrey Davis. For the next 10 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you [...]

Not much travel this year.  I went to Utah for my brother's wedding and it was super duper fun.  But one thing I did for myself was have a stay-cation here in Los Angeles.  When Sgt was home for his mid-tour leave I took two weeks off work and it was the absolute best thing in the world.  We didn't go anywhere and it was the best "travel" ever.

In 2011 I've decided that I need to go back to Italy.  Now that my camera and computer have been stolen I've lost all the pictures I had from my trip to Europe so I guess I'm just gonna have to go back and take them all again.  I can't wait.

 

Healing, Beyond Avoidance. That's enough for today.

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

 After the events of the last few days I am in need of some serious healing.  Truth be told I was really at the end of my robe before the invaders came and ran-sacked my only safe place.  I was at the point where keeping my life going was becoming increasingly difficult.  Just doing the bare minimum, getting up, showering, going to work, coming home and going to sleep so I could get up and do it all again the next day was just about all I could manage.  Now I'm not even sure I can do that.  I feel like I am running the car that is me on no gas, a quart low, over heating, on four flat tires.  I keep going but it really is only a matter of time before I will just give up.  I hope their a shoulder on that freeway but in Los Angeles there is no guarantee of that. 

I know I sound really negative.  My year has had some really wonderful moments but right now I just can get my head up above water far enough to see them in the distance behind me.

So I will leave you with this.  It's does make me feel better just to hear it.

The only thing that this video is lacking is one of my favorite lines in the song.

"So what's the use of cryin'?  What should we curse?  (It's) gotta get better, 'cause (it) can't get worse.  We've got heart.  We've got heart.  We've got heart!

I still got a little heart.  Still holding out hope for 2011.

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

I saw an old appointment card from my dentist that had found it way to the bottom of a box where I keep post-its.  The robbers opened and dumped every box in my closet/office or cloffice as I like to call it.  It was from the last appointment I was supposed to have.  I didn't go.  It was dated Jan 5, 2010.  I have BEYOND avoided the dentist.  I have all but created an alternate personality to deal with the stress I have surrounding it.  It's actually lots of different types of stress that I feel around it.  There's the money--even with dental insurance my dental bills are astronomical, or at least for my very tight budget.  There is also the fear of bad news.  Since I was 16 I have never been to the dentist without it turning out to be worse than I thought it was.  There is my fear of pain and mouth pain is the worst.  And my fear of doctors in general.  They know way too much that they aren't telling us little people.  Add all these things up and you have a cluster-f**k of phobia.  I realize that ignoring the problem doesn't make any of these things better.  That, in fact it makes them worse but I just can't manage it.  Sometimes I bite the bullet and get some work done but there is always more to go back for.  I try, but I just can't.

I hope to be better in 2011 but the likelihood of that happening without unbearable pain going on is pretty low.  Well see.

Prompt #16, #17, and #18. 2011 is going to the best year ever.

Was gonna do 5 but 3 is good.


December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)


This year has been a very difficult time for so many wonderful people in my life.  Watching these people has been inspirational.  My friend Dawn in particular has been a strong example.  She has taken beautiful care of herself.  Watching her step boldly forward in her life gives me hope that I can in mine.

The beautiful Dawn and some girl.

December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)


MEDS.  I need them.  I'm one of those people that will take the pills to get rid of symptoms then when I'm symptom-free I believe that I no longer need them and I stop taking them.  I need them!!  Lesson learned.

UPDATE.  Since my home was broken into by Buglars on Wednesday while I was at work  I've learned a new lesson.  Check your locks.  It's a laptop and a trashed apartment later but lesson learned.

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

Dawn and I did something that she'd wanted to do since childhood.  That reminded me of what I've wanted to do since I was a kid.  I want to be on a game show damn it!!  I meant to do it in 2010 and never got around it.  2011 is the YEAR!!  Watch for me on GSN.

Wisdom, 11 things I can do without, Sex, Action, Appreciation. This entry has it all!!

Sorry Y'all.  I've been sick and also super over-worked.  Playing a little catch-up.


December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

When I found out Craig cheated I had the choice of ignoring it or confronting it.  I could have lied to myself and him.  The relationship with Diana was long over by the time I found out.  Why bring it up?  Right?  Except that I wanted a relationship that worked and it couldn't with lies.  I hoped that he'd give me an explanation and we could see about moving on.  His reaction was not what I was looking for.  He just left.

I confronted Craig.  I didn't have to, I could have just pretended that I didn't know.  I'd still have Craig but I wouldn't be happy with myself.  Not sure how it's "played out".  I feel pretty shitty but I know it was the right thing to do.  Even if it didn't turn out the way I wanted it.

December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

1. Fast food- No matter how hungry I am it is always a bad decision.  I never need it and will feel better with out it.
2. Procrastination on finishing my script.  I can and will finish this thing.  UPDATE.  My Comput-o-box was stolen so the script is gone gone gone.  But I take this as a call to action to bring it back to life.
3. Over-working at my "day-job".  It's not my passion and therefore not worth as much time as I'm putting into it
4. Negative self-talk.  It really serves no purpose in my life.  It's just a bad habit that I've had for 29 years.  It's time to phase it out.
5. Cigarettes.  I quit smoking after my birthday but started again after my break up.  Every time I light up I remember how much I don't enjoy it.
6. Sugar.  I don't need it.  I just love it.  It isn't my friend.
7. Procrastinating seeing the Dr.  I need to see a Dr (and my dentist while I'm at it).  Alas, ignoring the problems aren't making them go away.
Speaking of Ignoring problems.
8. Ignoring problems.  This happens whenever something scares me.  I try to pretend it doesn't exist.  It's something I can stop doing now.  Right?
9. Back pain.  It has been decided.  This year I shall get myself one of those memory foam mattress toppers and better insoles for work.
10.  Worrying about money.  Whether I have a lot or a little I always worry about if I'm going to have enough in the future.  No matter how well I plan I always worry.  Nuts to that!!  That also goes for worry about the future in general.  More living in the moment.
11. Making due/ putting up with things.  I was taught to "make the best of things".  This can be great.  It has made me resourceful and tough. This also sucks and sometimes gets me into trouble.  I put up with things that I don't have to or worse, that are bad for me because I can take it.  It's good to be tough but not good to take a beating just cause you're able to

December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)

For this one I'm going to steal for my favorite writer of the moment. Ian McEwan.  In his novel "Saturday"

 "...thier movements are quick and greedy, urgent rather than joyous - it is as if they've returned from exile, emerged from a hard prison cell to gorge at a feast.  Their appetites are noisy, their manners are rough.  They can't quite trust their luck, they want all they can get in a short time.  They also know that at the end, after they've reclaimed each other, is the promise of oblivion."

Yeah, that just about describes it perfectly.  I had some great sex this year.  I was very much in love with this man and being with him was some of the least self-concious, most present, perfectly focused moments of my year.

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

Next step was to get a new agent but lucky for me I got one about a week ago.  I'm really hopeful and excited about working with this guy and what we can do together.  So I guess my next next step is to get my stand up act recorded and online.  I'll just have to do that tonight--I have a show.

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

My dear wonderful friends.  I have so many great people who for some reason have decided that putting up with my crap is worth it.  I truly would not be able to keep my life going without them and I am so grateful for everything that contribute to my life and well being.  In recognition of that gratitude I am, in 2011, going to make every effort to not be such a huge pain in the ass.  I can't say that I will never be but I will try my very best.

December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

Truth be told I write everything down.  I keep journal after journal.  But really writing it down doesn't really keep the memory.  It more of a memory jogger.  If I didn't have the memories then I don't think the journaling would be worth much.

That is all for now.  If I can do 5 more tomorrow I'll be all caught up.

PARTY!

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

In the last few years I have put a total kybosh on birthdays.  I've not felt ethusiastic about getting older and felt no reason to celebrate that fact.  In 2009 I "celebrated" my birthday by working at the Daily Grill in the afternoon and sitting in my apartment that evening.  I thought that it might become something of a tradition.  But I don't know why.  I love parties, I love people and most importantly, I love CAKE.  So why wouldn't I want all these things to happen at the same place at the same time?  This year, my wonderful friend JohnRobert gave me a birthday party.  Julie's Crafty Birthday.  It had a theme and everything.  The idea was that if you wanted to bring me a gift you it would be something you made yourself.  I got some great stuff and the best part was that my dear friends gave me the thing most precious, time.  It makes a girl feel so loved.

Before the party I had to work.  My boss bought me salmon for lunch and sent me home with a full belly smile.  When I got home from work there were flowers on my porch from this guy I know and a gift.  My party was going to start at 10pm so beforehand some of my friends met me at Muse Cafe to hear me say some jokes.  They gave me pity birthday laughs and treated me like a super star.  Then it was off to the bar where these greaties made me feel like the most popular girl in school.  It was so nice to have so many people that I care so much about there to let me know that they were really glad that I decided to push my way out of good ole' Joanie's body that July day so many years ago.  Drinking and hugs and talking and floating around the bar just feeling like 1 million dollars.  It was one of the best days of 2010.  It's nice to have these times to remind us that we aren't alone that all the people we are cheering on are also right there behind us.  SO GREAT!!  Here are some pictures.

 The aforementioned flowers.  So beautiful.

 Candles and Cake.  Who thought of such a wonderful thing?

 SMDGers 

 Terrible drink.  Rachel hasn't tried hers yet.

 Julie and Dawn (with Dion lurking in the background)

 Larisa and Julie (with Dion lurking in the background--again)

More Cake!!  BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!

Prompt #7 - Community and Prompt #8 - Beautifully Different

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

The greatest asset I've gained in 2010 by way of community isn't the communities themselves.  It's been a greater ability to recognize which relationships in my life were truly reciprocal, how to nurture those relationships and how to let go of ones that weren't.  It's helped me find a much happier place were I can feel that I'm genuinely contributing and also like I'm supported and cared for.  These people are my family (biological and otherwise).  Here are some family pictures.

The super duper people who celebrated my birthday with me.

Most of these people came from the same genetic material as I did.

Kimber, my newest sister, is here in the red.  She joined this rag-tag bunch of misfits I call my family.

These wonderful people lived through the snuggie shortage of 2010.

I love you all.  And if you're not here, don't worry, more pictures to come.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

I am a weirdo.  I like being a weirdo.  Of all the things that I don't like about myself, being different has never been a problem.  So I will leave you with this.  Oh Glee you are my TV happy place.

Prompt #6 - Make

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

I love this prompt.  I love making things and I've had a banner year for making stuff.  Here are just a few of the things that I've made.

I made these from LP covers.  I keep my nail polish and girl junk in them.

This was my first attempt at quilting.  Not bad if I do say so myself.

Made for a certain Sgt that it was later revealed didn't deserve it's awesomeness.

Sewing, sewing.  I love sewing.

Paper collage

Wine cork-board.

Mod poge!!!!!!! and cardboard make me happy.

The Sgt again.  Second quilting attempt.  Very cool!!!

That was my year of making stuff.  Not all of it but some of the highlights.

Prompt #5 Let Go.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

This year has been amazing for me.  It's felt like one big LET GO.  I've learned how to be okay with "just okay".  For so many years I didn't allow myself to do things because I was afraid.  I didn't want to look silly or have people think I was fooling myself.  Nuts to that.  I've finally reached a place were I'm okay with sucking at something.  And because I'm okay with it I've given myself the gift of being able to improve.  I've finally learned that it's way more important to DO than it is to DO WELL.  First drafts, bad jokes, yucky food, lame blogs, sour notes, broken hearts, big mistakes, fashion faux pas.  I now get to enjoy them all.  It feels like such a luxury to be able to make a mistake without having to beat myself up for it.  I still beat myself up but that's okay to.

Here's a song that I just love.  It's been my anthem lately.  Enjoy.

Keep it Going. Prompt #3 and Prompt #4

Prompt #3

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Moments in life so often just woosh by me without me ever noticing them.  Sometimes, later when I think back to them I realize their significance.  I think; "Oh yeah, that.  That's when I realized I was in love with him." or "That's when I should have realized something was wrong."  A lot of  should have's live in my head.  That's why this moment was such a special treat.  I knew, while it was happening that it was a special moment and because of that I got to savor it and drink it up like a shot-glass full of honey.

Waking-up that morning I thought how lucky it was that I had the day off.  Work was S-L-O-W the night before and my boss figured one person could be called off.  I volunteered.  I needed a day off.  Life and sharpened me down to a nub and I really needed some me-time.  The plan was to spend that whole day doing absolutely nothing.  Wasting a whole day was just what the doctor ordered.  But, as fate would have it, the doctors orders got a second opinion.

I was lazily surfing the web.  Checking my facebook page and secretly stalking a certain Sgt who shall remain nameless, when I came upon a posting by Miss Emily Maya Mills.  She was hosting a stand up open mic at the Silverlake lounge and was gently beseeching all to come and pay tribute to the gods of the laugh.  I had been harboring a secret desire to do stand-up comedy for years but had gotten discouraged from trying.  Once I told a boyfriend some of my joke ideas only to have him dismiss me with; "You're funny but not like a stand-up is funny."  It seems like a small comment now but it, and other things like it, haunted me.  That is why my split-second decision to do the open mic came as such a surprise.

I arrived at the bar early.  I had no idea how it worked, who to talk to or how to sign up.  It was so dark inside I could barely see if anyone was even there.  I bellied up to the bar and looked to my right and left hoping that someone would think I was lost and take pity on me and give me some direction.  They didn't.  I got a beer and just sat quietly on my squeaky barstool hoping that Emily would show up so I could see a familiar face.  She didn't.  Half an hour after I arrived the host (the other host, not Emily) saw me at the bar and asked it I was there for the open mic.  My heart started racing.  The point of no return had come.  All day I had to keep reminding myself of my decision.  Telling myself that it was a done deal.  That I would not let myself turn back.  That I wanted this.  That I was not going to let myself off the hook.

"Me?  No."  I said.  As if I was surprised he'd even asked the question.  It just popped out.  "FUUUUUCCCK!"  I thought.

He didn't even reply.  He was just asking.  And then, walked away.  In a way I was so relieved I didn't have to do it.  Hooray!!  But the relief at not having to risk anything soon turned to self-hatred for being such a chicken-shit.

After the drawing, this open mic was a lottery, our faithful host came to sit at the bar not far from where I sat.  I had given myself an out but I was determined not to take it.  I went to this dear man and said;

"I did come to do comedy.  It's my first time.  I was scared before when you asked."

At that moment I felt so small.  It was like being a little girl again.  Asking the other kids on the playground if I could join there game of four-square.  I just wanted to play.  He gave me a 3-minute spot and told me he'd work me in and the count down to destruction in my head had begun.  That was the moment I became scared shit-less.

Truly, the rest of the night was a blur.  I watched comics, wrote down some ideas, tried not to freak out.
I could have walked away.  I could have just left.  But, I am so glad to say I didn't.  When my name was called I got on stage.  It was a real stage.  I'd seem bands play on it and that made me feel like I was really doing something.  There were lights and the room was dark in the audience and I couldn't see any of them.  I don't remember what I said, I think I maybe got some laughs.  What I do remember was thinking how proud of myself I felt.  My heart was pounding, my face was hot, I couldn't focus my eyes.  I was a fucking mess.  But I was doing it.  This thing that I had let other people tell me I wasn't good for.    I was doing this thing that made me feel great!  I was facing a fear and finding a passion and feeling so so so free.  Like I could do anything I wanted to because there was nothing in my way.  I was stoned on this feeling and I am a junkie for it now.


December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

Not to sound all judgmental or anything but this prompt sounds stupid to me.  I don't think I'll be answer it.  My sense if wonder is very much active and I feel no need to cultivate it.  Sorry blogisphere you will get no play from me for this one.

See y'all next time lovies!!!!

Starting Fresh by Evaluating 2010. Prompt #1 and Prompt #2

Thanks to my friend's blog, I found this thing called #reverb10. Bloggers receive one question every day from December 1st-December 31st and the idea is to evaluate 2010 and think about the coming year.  So here I am jump starting my new blog for my new year with an exercise in self discovery.  I'm a little behind so I'm going to do 2 a day for a little while until I catch up.


Prompt #1

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I guess my word is SPINNY.  Not really sure if that's a real word but that's how I feel about it.  When I was a little girl I loved spinning.  Head back, arms out, eyes wide open staring at the sky.  Like giving god a hug.  Then stopping abruptly to wobbling around like an adorable drunk child.  That is how the year has felt to me.  Since New Years day 2010 one event after another have spun me around and around.  It's been great and disorienting and thrilling and nauseating and it, much like when my childhood self would spin, has knocked me on my ass.

So, as look into the coming year my hope is for more NURTURING.  If spinning is giving god a hug then nurturing is feeling god hug back.  I want to find better ways of caring for myself and better ways of allowing others into my life that care for me.

Prompt #2
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

To get a feel for this question, which BTdubbs feels weird to me, I decided to read some other people's bloggings on it.  The few postings I read felt really negative to me.  Some people didn't like that the question assumed that everyone doing this exercise has the goal of being a writer.  It seems like an odd objection seeing as how the exercise is for bloggers and that by definition makes it an exercise for writers.  But I get the point.  Not everyone who writes a blog wants to be a professional.  There are many reasons to write a blog and that's ok.  Mostly the postings were people talking about what they do with their time and how that might keep them in a state of procrastination.  It seems that this question brings out a sense of negativity.  Yucks to that!

I am a writer.  I blog for fun, but I do need to do a certain amount of writing to keep doing the things that I want to be doing with my life, like comedy.  I also have an endless number of things that I do to avoid writing when I just don't feel like doing it.  I always have a  reason not to put together a set list or re-work a joke that I think could be better or do a second draft of a script or sketch I'm working on.  But I'm not sure that these things don't necessarily not (triple negative) "contribute" to my writing.  Hell, I'm writing about them at the moment aren't I?  I guess I'm of the opinion that everything I DO makes a contribution to my creative self.  "DO"ing is the very essence of making any type of art.  It's when I'm not doing anything that my work really suffers.  So I guess the thing that I do that doesn't contribute to my writing is not doing anything.  When I stop participating in my life I have nothing to write about and therefore my work and my audience suffers.  So, can I eliminate not doing anything?  I don't know.  And I don't know if I'd want to find out.  I guess for the moment I'll just keep going and hope that if a block does come my way that I will have stock-piled enough creative nuts to survive an insipid winter.

So, there's a start.  See you next time!!