Paper Christmas Ornaments

Merry Everybody!!!  It's right around the corner and so here is a Christmas project.

And here is a crazy person standing next to a VERY flocked tree

This is a very easy to make paper ornament that I just love.  The one I made is medium in size because my tree is pretty small but you can scale it up or down to fit your needs.

Materials (for one 3" ornament)
10"X 10" sheet of Christmas wrapping paper
One 3" diameter drinking glass
A pencil
Scissors
White Glue
Tooth Picks
Stapler
Ribbon

Instructions
1- Using the drinking glass as a template make 9 paper circles.  You can make a few at a time by folding the paper and cutting them out together.  I'm not fussy about things being perfect so I did that.

2- Attach your nine circles into a "book" by stapling them down the center.
(Option B- if you've got a sewing machine is to sew them down the center using a very large straight stitch.)

3- Attach 6.5" or so of ribbon at one end with a staple. (If sewing attach with machine)

4- Starting where you've attached the ribbon put a bead of glue along the top third of the first page smoothing the glue evenly with a toothpick.  If the circle were a clock you'd want to glue 1 o'clock and 2 o'clock to 10 and 11 o'clock folding at the 12 o'clock position, then on the next page you'll alternate and glue 4 and 5 to 7 and 8 folding at 6 o'clock.  Alternating top and bottom you'll continue doing this until you've done all the pages.  When you do the last page it will open up to be an accordion sphere.

It should look something like this

5- Tie the ribbon in a knot, hang from your tree and enjoy.  I'm serious!!  You better be enjoying this!!!  If I hear that you're not enjoying it....I'll...well....I don't know what.  But it won't be festive! 

HAVE FUN

Thanksgiving. Late. Don't judge, the holidays are stressful!! Setting a table.

This is a turkey cupcake I made for my guests.

Ah Thanksgiving!!!  Recipes, Crafts, Setting a Table.  All Great things.

I'm crazy thankful for thanksgiving.  I don't know about y'all but I needed to be reminded to be grateful.  It's been a rough year but really I have so so so so much and a little gratitude check up is a great way to remember that.

So to help with your next holiday dinner or just that fancy, grown-up, super classy dinner party you're planning here is some instruction and advice on how to set a table.

Let's start with plates, the center of everything. Plates should be evenly spaced and about 2ft apart from the middle of the plate to the middle of the next plate. This will give everyone enough elbow room. Once the plates are set you can build everything else around them. Drink glasses should be to the right of the plate and bread plates to the left.

A good trick for remembering this is to take both your hands in front of you.  Make a circle with your thumb and first finger with the the other fingers straight behind them.  In this view your left hand will appear to be a lower-case b, for bread, and the right a lower-case d, for drink.

Silverware should be placed in order of use from the outside in with handles lined-up at the bottom.  That means salad forks and soup spoons on the outside, dinner fork and knife (with the cutting edge facing the place) on the inside.  Forks on the bread side, knife and spoons on the drink side.  (Two exceptions are a small seafood/cocktail fork,  that should be placed at the far right of the setting.  The other exception is the butter knife, that should be placed on or next to the bread plate.)  

Some like to have the napkin to the left side of the plate with the forks on it.  I prefer if the napkin is on the plate.  That way when people sit they don't have to disturb the setting to get to their napkins.  

There are a lot of great videos on how to fold napkins here is a link to a great one that's easy to follow

 http://youtu.be/Aw6SoAJeu-o

So there you have it.  Easy as 1, 2, 3............4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.  Have a great one.  

Next up....Paper Christmas Tree Ornaments.

My First Video Blog!! "Ladies Pinch. Whores wear Rouge." Not really. But it's a funny title anyway.

It's an oldie but a goodie. This little beauty tip is easy and free so you really have nothing to lose except that non-rosie pallor.

My Triumphant Return with a Recently Perfected Hummus Recipe!!!

Goodness Gracious me!!! Has beeeeeen so long? I will not try to defend my in-defensible absence from my own blog. I will only say that my life got a bit out of hand and in order to get my house, well..in order I took a break from my extracurriculars. I am sorry and have missed you ever so much.

This recipe is so insanely easy and yet has been tricky to get it right. I'm glad to say that I think I'm got the sucker down.

Ingredients:
1 15oz can Garbonzo Beans with juice(AKA Chickpeas)
1 Med Clove Garlic
1 6.5 oz Jar Greek Kalamata Olives, drained(this is the weight drained)(The one I buy is from Trader Joe's. It's in red wine vinegar brine)

Instructions:
Put the ingredients in a blender. Blend until smooth. Done. (If you want to mince the garlic you can or if you put it into the blender first it will kinda mince itself) You can add spices to taste. I wouldn't recommend salt, the olives are pretty salty already.

This makes about 3 cups of hummus and is 160 calories per 1/2 cup. One thing I like to do is label the item with a sticky note. Stickers don't unstick well enough and it's not like the container is going to have hummus in it forever.

Hope you like it. I sure do.

Picture Frame Earring and Necklace Display.

Hello again. Today we are going to talk about something very important, accessorizing. Or, the lack of it. I don’t know about you but for me out of sight is out of mind. At least that is how it was for my jewelry. Which is probably why I would wear the same two pairs of earrings everyday (they were the ones that were always out on the night stand from the night before) My solution was to get the other pairs out there and seen so they could at least have a shot at the regular rotation.

Sorry the pictures are so small and crummy. My camera was stolen and I have yet to get the money together to purchase a new one. Right now I'm using my phone-camera.

Bonus it’s also a way of decorating an otherwise blank wall.

What you’ll need:

A picture frame (The size will depend on how many pairs of earrings you'll need to hang. The one pictured is 13.5x10.5 and works great for me.)
Wire mesh (Whatever you like at the hardware store just make sure that the holes are large enough for the earrings to hang in and it’s stiff enough to hold the earrings up.
Furniture tacks (regular tacks can be used but furniture tack have a longer post and work better. Plus they aren’t very expensive at the hardware store.)
Wire cutters
Finnish nails
A hammer
A tape-measure or ruler

For earring display:
1. Turn frame over and measure the mesh so it fits exactly where the glass would go in the frame. (That way when it’s hanging on the wall there will be room between the mesh and the wall for the earring posts to go.) You can use a tape-measure or just eyeball it.
2. Use the wire cutters to cut the mesh to size.
3. Place the mesh in the frame and use the small finnish nails to nail it into place.

Optional necklace hooks:
1. On the bottom-front of the frame measure where you want to hooks to go. To keep the left and right sides balanced start from the outside and work you way inward toward the center of the frame spacing the tacks apx. 1 to 1.5 inches apart.

And that, as they say, is that. Pretty simple.

FUNERAL POTATOS!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I had a little dinner party with some very close friends. I got to share with them piece of my cultural heritage. A dish I have dreams about. Funeral potatoes (also known as "Party-potatoes" which in my opinion is blasphemy. I will call them nothing but funeral potatoes until the day I die and then my ghost will watch my family eat them with the joy that only comes from comfort-food at a time of grief.) But I digress, my real point is that they are (forgive me mom) Fucking delicious!!! And in this edition I will teach you to make them to the delight of all you share it with.

Now, there are about as many recipes for this dish as there are cooks to make it. I will give you a base line and also my own variation. Experiment with these. Find your own way of making them.

Recipe 1-

Ingredients:
2lb bag of frozen potatoes/freezer hashbrowns. (You can also make your own potatoes by baking them half way and dicing them up. I don't do this for the simple reason that it's a pain. It's like store-bought pie crust, why make your own?)
2 cans cream of something soup (any cream of something will do)
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup butter
1 16oz tub of sour cream
2 cups cornflakes (or Ritz crackers, or just more shredded cheese)

Instructions:
Mix Butter, Sour Cream, Cheese and Soup. Then mix in Potatos. Spread in cake-pan or casserole dish. Crumble cornflakes and sprinkle over-top. Cook at 350 for 45 minutes. Easy as that.

Julie's Recipe-

Almost all the ingredients are the same but I leave out the butter, use frozen tater tots, prefer cream of potato soup and insist on cornflakes as topping.

Cooking is the same.

Enjoy.

LP Covers turned into storage. Hooray!!!

This little number comes from a great homemade design book called "Pad" by Matt Maranian. It takes reuse to a fun new level. I needed a place to put all my girlie stuff in the bathroom and these work so great. Plus it costs very little to make. Normally I wouldn't buy Records from the thrift shop because they're not usually in great condition. But when the purpose is not auditory but rather visual the hunt for the campiest cover can be super fun.

What you'll need:
Pencil
Ruler
Glue
Clear packing tape
Old LP cover
Xacto knife
Scissors
Clothes-pins
Paint brush



1. Separate the front and back of the LP jacket. Cover the edges with half an inch of packing tape to make it smooth and strong.

2. Measure four straight folding lines on the back of both sides of the cover.
2 and 1/2 inches for the front cover.
2 and 5/8 inches for the back cover. This will make a snug fitting box.

3. Cut four tabs from the corner fold lines.

4. (This wasn't in the book but I found it very helpful.) On the front side of the LP Jackets measure where the fold lines are and score them using the ruler and Xacto knife. Be careful not to cut through the whole cover you just want to aid the folding especially if the cardboard is o the thicker side.

5. Fold the edges over using the ruler as a guide.

6. Brush glue on the corner tabs and clothes-pin them into place until the glue dries. I like to leave them over night to be on the safe side.

And there you have it. Super great and easy.

Book Kitchen Knife Block

One problem I had in my kitchen was that I had all these mismatched kitchen knives. Either from old roommates or just bought when I had a specific use. Keeping them in a drawer was dangerous because I am, how you say...clumsy. I wanted a way to store them. I saw one of these knife blocks at a friends house.

It looked ok and would serve the purpose beautifully. But when I went to price this item it was a bit expensive for what I needed and wasn't exactly my style.
But with a little inspiration and creative problem solving to the rescue I came up with this little number.

It reminds me of those old cartoons and movies when you see kids carrying their books to school with belts

It's super easy to make and takes almost no tools. Here's what you'll need;

1- Three largish hardcover books you don't use anymore.
The tallest should be able to fit your longest knife. Hardcovers are important because soft cover won't hold the tension of the belt. You can get these anywhere. I got these from a friend that was getting rid of some old cook books. Thanks Jamie.

2- An old belt.
You can get this from a thrift store or just use an old one. Leather is best but a woven army/boy scout belt could work nicely too.

If the belt fits snugly around the books then that is all you need.
If not then you'll need;

3- A marker

4- A hammer and screw-driver

These are for making a new hole in the belt.

Instructions
Put the belt around the books. I like the way it looks with the tallest book in the center but you can do it however you like.

Pull the belt very snugly. If you put you feet on the books and pull straight toward yourself and then down that should be enough. It doesn't have to be crazy tight but snugger is better. Also, if the belt is leather it will stretch a bit over time.

If you're making a new hole for the belt this is where the marker comes in. Pull the belt snugly and mark just below (about 1/4 an inch) from where the hook part of the belt falls on the inside of the belt.

To make the hole in the belt lay it flat on a firm surface that you won't mind if it's damaged by the screw-driver. I used an old phone book on my kitchen floor. Place the screw-driver's pointy end on the mark you make. Then pound the screw-driver firmly with the hammer until it goes through the belt.

The finished product will look something like this.

If you are interested in buying one of these ready-made from me shoot me an email and I will send you a link to my etsy store.

Site under construction.

The compy 3000 is being repaired. This site will be way awesome in like two weeks.

Something to distract you from the fact that I haven't written. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar Part 1 - Red Nose Day 2009

So someone, Fidel (not Castro), told me I have to start posting again. Here's the deal. I've been working very hard at other projects and haven't had time to devote to this exercise in self expression. I swear I have been working and not staying home, being depressed, getting stoned and watching That Simon and Webb look. Although it is very funny. Here is a video to take up space and I promise in the next few days I will write something for you.

A Story about a Girl and Her Car (Part 1- I guess this is goodbye old pal)

Jackie wasn't always the dented mess she was on that Wednesday afternoon.  Infact, she once was a very classy lady.  When we met in 2003 she looked like a million bucks (luckily for me her looks and her actual price were vastly different, like 990000 different.)  When I drove her I knew she was the right girl for me and she has been my faithful friend for 8 years.  It hasn't always been easy.  We've had our differences of opinion, like when I wanted her to work and she decided her battery needed replacing.  But we've always come to an understanding.  So when I gently bumped her into another car I took it as a sign of my ever increasing maturity and care for Jackie that I took her into the shop the very next day and did not indulge in my favorite activity of procrastination.  Good Job, Me!  I thought as I drove away in my rental.  The universe must have thought so too because it promptly rewared me, in game show fashion, with a NEW CAR!!  Jackie's inguries were too severe and she was sent to a car farm where she has wide open spaces were she can use cruise-control all the time and there's a drive-thru car wash on every corner.

I'm not the type of person who gets attached to objects.  When my apartment got broken into a few months ago I wasn't hardly bothered by what they took.  Atleast not the objects themselves.  I lost all my pictures saved on my computer and camera and the script I'd been working on for a year but the computer and the camera themselves weren't that important.   But Jackie feels different.  I went to the garage the on the other night to collect my crap out of the car and to my own surprise I was struck with a ball of warm sadness at the base of my throat.  I realized that I would never see my car again that these were our last moments together.  When I dropped the car off at the shop I didn't expect that this would be it for her.  She was quite drivable.   I realized that I had developed a relationship with this car.  Jackie's not a thing, she's a pet.  I don't have any pets right now but that's what my relationship with Jackie felt like.  I spent more time with her than any one person in my life.  I talked to her.  I took care of her.  She wasn't the fanciest but she was mine.  I love the yet to be named new car, but I will really miss Jackie. 

Good bye old friend. 

Jacqueline Susann Johnson

Adopted Dec. 2003 - Died Jan. 2011

Accounting for my hotmail account

Officially, what is the deal with hotmail?  I've had the same email address since I was sixteen years old and I truly see nothing wrong with it.  It does all the things I've needed it to do.  What is wrong with having a hotmail account. 
I was at the car dealership (an entirely different blog post.) the other day and I gave my email address to the sales person for some unknown reason and my brother commented; "Does anyone have a hotmail account anymore?"  Now, I'm aware that hotmail has gone the way of MySpace but I'm not quite sure why.  In social networking it's all about who's going where to see pictures of me drinking.  But with email I don't quite understand how this server that I must say has served me well can go by the wayside.  Maybe I don't know enough to know what I'm missing but I now have a gmail account and can't really tell that difference except that everyone I've ever really known knows me at hotmail and no one does through gmail. 

You might explain it to me if you know more than I do.  Right now it seems a jumble.

It's okay to be nice to myself.

I don't like spending money and I really don't like spending it on myself.  No matter how much I have or how much I've saved I always have this vague feeling that sometime in the near future I'm going to really need that money and if I spend it now I won't have it when I need it.  I do that with a lot of things. 

I decided to do myself a favor and get a new fancy smart phone.  And oh boy is this thing ever smart.  It is my new favorite thing in the whole wide world I've been playing with it non-stop since I bought it.  It makes the computer I bought look like a hunk if crap.  Which it is. 

Yesterday as I was driving home from work feeling pretty sorry for myself I came to a decision.  This whole being burgled thing is not going to get me down.  It is the perfect reason to get that new phone I've been wanting and so I did it.  I'd been itching for a new phone for months.  My cell contract was up in October so I could get one of those deals with the cell company where they sell you a phone for cheap if you sign a new deal with them.  I don't know anything about cell phones and even less about smart phones.  What usually happens is I break a phone and go to the cell phone store and ask them what the cheapest phone they have is and I buy that one.  But this time I wanted to get something good but not so good that I wouldn't be able to understand it.  I'm not tech savy and I don't use my phone for a lot so I wanted somehting pretty simple.  What I ended up getting was the LG Optimus T (pictured above.  It's the one on the right).  Pretty snazzy.  My favorite thing is the calorie counter.  It's awesome.  Getting excited about gadgets and toys has never been part of my personality but this thing is just so cool.  I'm sure I'll get bored with it at some point but I'm so glad I did something nice for myself.

It's hard sometimes when you're stuck in the grind of life to remember that we are all just little kids on the inside that we need to take care of ourselves and nuture ourselves the way we would a child.  Little Julie is so happy and excited about her new toy and I feel like the hero parent in Christmas morning.  All around good feelings.

What's something you've done for yourself lately?

New Year's Resolutions

Did I spell that right?  Never mind, I don't care. 

I don't, in general, make new year's resolutions.  I don't see much point to them.  I'm in a more or less constant state of reevaluating myself.  The idea that I would wait until January 1 to change my bad habits seems like a long time to wait.  But I do like the idea of a new year.  Brand new.  Anything can happen.  Clean slate.  Start again.  Reboot.  So I guess in a way I do like resolutions.  It's such a good time to think about how things went in the last year.  What you wanted to happen and how that matched up with what actually happened.  I complain a lot about 2010 but it wasn't all bad and I'm excited about the groundwork layed that will serve me in this coming year.

So here goes with setting some goals for the next year.

1- I would like to lose 25 lbs.  I really felt my best at the weight I was 25 lbs ago and would like to be there again.  I will keep you dorks posted on the progress.  So far, the exercising is at least off to a GREAT start.

2- I would like to book a National Commercial.  I have been working hard and think that I am in a great place to make this happen.

3- I would like to get paid for comedy.  I'm not sure if this is a realistic goal for where I am with my stand up but I'm setting it and we'll see what happens.  So some time in the next year we'll see if someone wants to pay me for making funny.

4- I would also like to rewrite/recover the play I wrote that was stolen with my laptop.

I wrote a number five but really couldn't think of anything to write.  Am I that contented with my life that I can really only think of four things that I would like to happen?  Craziness.  Who knows I could get all four of these in the next three months and I'll have to reevaluate all over again.  Luckily, I won't have to wait until next Jan. 1