December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)
After the events of the last few days I am in need of some serious healing. Truth be told I was really at the end of my robe before the invaders came and ran-sacked my only safe place. I was at the point where keeping my life going was becoming increasingly difficult. Just doing the bare minimum, getting up, showering, going to work, coming home and going to sleep so I could get up and do it all again the next day was just about all I could manage. Now I'm not even sure I can do that. I feel like I am running the car that is me on no gas, a quart low, over heating, on four flat tires. I keep going but it really is only a matter of time before I will just give up. I hope their a shoulder on that freeway but in Los Angeles there is no guarantee of that.
I know I sound really negative. My year has had some really wonderful moments but right now I just can get my head up above water far enough to see them in the distance behind me.
So I will leave you with this. It's does make me feel better just to hear it.
After the events of the last few days I am in need of some serious healing. Truth be told I was really at the end of my robe before the invaders came and ran-sacked my only safe place. I was at the point where keeping my life going was becoming increasingly difficult. Just doing the bare minimum, getting up, showering, going to work, coming home and going to sleep so I could get up and do it all again the next day was just about all I could manage. Now I'm not even sure I can do that. I feel like I am running the car that is me on no gas, a quart low, over heating, on four flat tires. I keep going but it really is only a matter of time before I will just give up. I hope their a shoulder on that freeway but in Los Angeles there is no guarantee of that.
I know I sound really negative. My year has had some really wonderful moments but right now I just can get my head up above water far enough to see them in the distance behind me.
So I will leave you with this. It's does make me feel better just to hear it.
The only thing that this video is lacking is one of my favorite lines in the song.
"So what's the use of cryin'? What should we curse? (It's) gotta get better, 'cause (it) can't get worse. We've got heart. We've got heart. We've got heart!
I still got a little heart. Still holding out hope for 2011.
December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)
I saw an old appointment card from my dentist that had found it way to the bottom of a box where I keep post-its. The robbers opened and dumped every box in my closet/office or cloffice as I like to call it. It was from the last appointment I was supposed to have. I didn't go. It was dated Jan 5, 2010. I have BEYOND avoided the dentist. I have all but created an alternate personality to deal with the stress I have surrounding it. It's actually lots of different types of stress that I feel around it. There's the money--even with dental insurance my dental bills are astronomical, or at least for my very tight budget. There is also the fear of bad news. Since I was 16 I have never been to the dentist without it turning out to be worse than I thought it was. There is my fear of pain and mouth pain is the worst. And my fear of doctors in general. They know way too much that they aren't telling us little people. Add all these things up and you have a cluster-f**k of phobia. I realize that ignoring the problem doesn't make any of these things better. That, in fact it makes them worse but I just can't manage it. Sometimes I bite the bullet and get some work done but there is always more to go back for. I try, but I just can't.
I hope to be better in 2011 but the likelihood of that happening without unbearable pain going on is pretty low. Well see.
I saw an old appointment card from my dentist that had found it way to the bottom of a box where I keep post-its. The robbers opened and dumped every box in my closet/office or cloffice as I like to call it. It was from the last appointment I was supposed to have. I didn't go. It was dated Jan 5, 2010. I have BEYOND avoided the dentist. I have all but created an alternate personality to deal with the stress I have surrounding it. It's actually lots of different types of stress that I feel around it. There's the money--even with dental insurance my dental bills are astronomical, or at least for my very tight budget. There is also the fear of bad news. Since I was 16 I have never been to the dentist without it turning out to be worse than I thought it was. There is my fear of pain and mouth pain is the worst. And my fear of doctors in general. They know way too much that they aren't telling us little people. Add all these things up and you have a cluster-f**k of phobia. I realize that ignoring the problem doesn't make any of these things better. That, in fact it makes them worse but I just can't manage it. Sometimes I bite the bullet and get some work done but there is always more to go back for. I try, but I just can't.
I hope to be better in 2011 but the likelihood of that happening without unbearable pain going on is pretty low. Well see.
You know, I could say something about keeping your chin up. Something very cliched, but I'm not going to. What I am going to say is f"&k those guys. F##k em! They invaded your space, but your too damned tough to keep a couple of douche bag, lowlifes from keeping you down Juliana. You are tough, you've been doing your thing in L.A. for how long? I can't even bring myself to move to f**king Salt Lake, so I know you're tougher than I am. A lot more than most people I know. Being tough isn't all there is, I know but it's something.
ReplyDeleteWhen ever I'm feeling shitty, and it happens a lot -especially this time of year- I remember one fact: there is always something joyful to find in each day. Something beautiful that touches your spirit, or something that just makes you smile. It happens. The problem is, we rarely notice them.
So... remember that.
And f**k those guys!