Keep it Going. Prompt #3 and Prompt #4

Prompt #3

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Moments in life so often just woosh by me without me ever noticing them.  Sometimes, later when I think back to them I realize their significance.  I think; "Oh yeah, that.  That's when I realized I was in love with him." or "That's when I should have realized something was wrong."  A lot of  should have's live in my head.  That's why this moment was such a special treat.  I knew, while it was happening that it was a special moment and because of that I got to savor it and drink it up like a shot-glass full of honey.

Waking-up that morning I thought how lucky it was that I had the day off.  Work was S-L-O-W the night before and my boss figured one person could be called off.  I volunteered.  I needed a day off.  Life and sharpened me down to a nub and I really needed some me-time.  The plan was to spend that whole day doing absolutely nothing.  Wasting a whole day was just what the doctor ordered.  But, as fate would have it, the doctors orders got a second opinion.

I was lazily surfing the web.  Checking my facebook page and secretly stalking a certain Sgt who shall remain nameless, when I came upon a posting by Miss Emily Maya Mills.  She was hosting a stand up open mic at the Silverlake lounge and was gently beseeching all to come and pay tribute to the gods of the laugh.  I had been harboring a secret desire to do stand-up comedy for years but had gotten discouraged from trying.  Once I told a boyfriend some of my joke ideas only to have him dismiss me with; "You're funny but not like a stand-up is funny."  It seems like a small comment now but it, and other things like it, haunted me.  That is why my split-second decision to do the open mic came as such a surprise.

I arrived at the bar early.  I had no idea how it worked, who to talk to or how to sign up.  It was so dark inside I could barely see if anyone was even there.  I bellied up to the bar and looked to my right and left hoping that someone would think I was lost and take pity on me and give me some direction.  They didn't.  I got a beer and just sat quietly on my squeaky barstool hoping that Emily would show up so I could see a familiar face.  She didn't.  Half an hour after I arrived the host (the other host, not Emily) saw me at the bar and asked it I was there for the open mic.  My heart started racing.  The point of no return had come.  All day I had to keep reminding myself of my decision.  Telling myself that it was a done deal.  That I would not let myself turn back.  That I wanted this.  That I was not going to let myself off the hook.

"Me?  No."  I said.  As if I was surprised he'd even asked the question.  It just popped out.  "FUUUUUCCCK!"  I thought.

He didn't even reply.  He was just asking.  And then, walked away.  In a way I was so relieved I didn't have to do it.  Hooray!!  But the relief at not having to risk anything soon turned to self-hatred for being such a chicken-shit.

After the drawing, this open mic was a lottery, our faithful host came to sit at the bar not far from where I sat.  I had given myself an out but I was determined not to take it.  I went to this dear man and said;

"I did come to do comedy.  It's my first time.  I was scared before when you asked."

At that moment I felt so small.  It was like being a little girl again.  Asking the other kids on the playground if I could join there game of four-square.  I just wanted to play.  He gave me a 3-minute spot and told me he'd work me in and the count down to destruction in my head had begun.  That was the moment I became scared shit-less.

Truly, the rest of the night was a blur.  I watched comics, wrote down some ideas, tried not to freak out.
I could have walked away.  I could have just left.  But, I am so glad to say I didn't.  When my name was called I got on stage.  It was a real stage.  I'd seem bands play on it and that made me feel like I was really doing something.  There were lights and the room was dark in the audience and I couldn't see any of them.  I don't remember what I said, I think I maybe got some laughs.  What I do remember was thinking how proud of myself I felt.  My heart was pounding, my face was hot, I couldn't focus my eyes.  I was a fucking mess.  But I was doing it.  This thing that I had let other people tell me I wasn't good for.    I was doing this thing that made me feel great!  I was facing a fear and finding a passion and feeling so so so free.  Like I could do anything I wanted to because there was nothing in my way.  I was stoned on this feeling and I am a junkie for it now.


December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

Not to sound all judgmental or anything but this prompt sounds stupid to me.  I don't think I'll be answer it.  My sense if wonder is very much active and I feel no need to cultivate it.  Sorry blogisphere you will get no play from me for this one.

See y'all next time lovies!!!!